| Copyright 2006 Julie Shepherd Knapp |
| Copyright 2006 Julie Shepherd Knapp. All rights reserved. |
| The Homeschool Diner's Guide to Homeschooling Special Situations What is Perfectionism? Can Homeschooling Help Kids Who are Perfectionists? by Julie Shepherd Knapp, copyright 2006 Is it a diligent quest for excellence? Or, is it the relentless, unrealistic pursuit of unattainable perfection in all things? Perfectionism is often considered to be a component of a strong work ethic and many people believe that "perfection" should be everyone's ultimate goal. While an adult may find that this attitude helps motivate them to do their best and excel in their careers, a problem can develop when children become included in the quest for perfection. Children, by nature, rarely achieve perfection in any undertaking. For most children, aside from the rare prodigy, their immature minds and bodies are incapable of consistently meeting adult levels of competence at any task -- they are still developing, still learning, still growing. For young children, especially, making mistakes is a big part of learning. Childish mistakes are only natural, and children need to be comfortable with their own levels of success and progress. Children need our help to understand that it is normal, expected, and quite OK to make mistakes. We need to point out to them that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. People aren't born knowing everything or being able to do everything. Point out that no one (even an adult) is right all the time. Explain to them that our goals are sometimes out of reach. We must help them see that it may take a lot of practice to succeed in some activities and that it's normal to try and fail many times -- especially at the things adults or older children seem to do so easily. Most of all, we need to let them see that even adults make mistakes (and made plenty when they were kids). It seems like everyone should already know this, but children may not. They see older people all around them doing things so effortlessly that they may feel it should be easy for them, too. Let them know that you make mistakes all the time. Let them see you deal calmly with mistakes. (If this is hard for you to do, you'll need to make a special effort -- your children do learn by watching you). Some gifted children may stubbornly set very high standards for themselves, and seem to have an innate drive for excellence at a very young age. This mind-set can lead to great successes, and, of course, great disappointments, as well. Even though they may seem to be very self-motivated and self-sufficient, they probably need help learning to keep triumphs and failures in perspective. They need to know that they have your love and support, whether or not they (or you) feel they did their best work, and regardless of their level of achievement. If you have a gifted child like this, take a look at "Is Perfectionism a Part of Giftedness?" by Thomas Greenspon and Helping Gifted Students Cope with Perfectionism by Michael Pyryt. Some special needs children may be especially sensitive to failure. Children with learning disabilities, developmental delays, or processing disorders may find that there are many things they cannot do -- even though their friends and age mates can do them. They may fear trying new things, because they don't want to fall short, yet again. It can be very discouraging for these children -- especially for those who are also very intelligent and may have big plans that they have trouble carrying out. Parents can help their child work around the disability, and find ways of accomplishing the child's goals, or helping them discover alternate areas where they can be successful. Children who have Asperger's Syndrome or trouble with Executive Function may have unique issues with success and failure. They may start out with unrealistic (even naive) goals and expectations, and truly don't understand what went wrong when they aren't able to meet these goals. Their disorder gets in the way of estimating the time and skill needed to attain a goal, and then prevents them from being able to realistically evaluate their own progress toward that goal. They seem overconfident in their knowledge and abilities, and then totally devastated when proven wrong or incapable of completing a task. It can be truly frustrating for the child and the parents. Lisa Piles has many wise ideas for coping with this situation in her article, Perfectionism and Asperger Syndrome: Homeschooling the Child Who Can't Make Mistakes . Sometimes, an adult may forget that children are not capable of being "perfect", no matter how hard a child might try. Some adults insist that a child's work must always be "redone" to make it right, or a "less than perfect" product is given more focus than the effort a child put into it. If the adult plays an important part of a child's life, such as a parent, grandparent, teacher, or coach, the child may become discouraged at not meeting the adult's expectations. When a child's efforts are always unappreciated, or he or she is repeatedly embarrassed, scolded, or berated for not doing a good enough job, the child may interpret this adult dissatisfaction to mean that anything less than perfect is unacceptable -- a total failure. And, by unfortunate extension, these children may begin to see themselves as failures. They may also grow to believe that people will only love them if they do things "perfectly". Needless to say, this is not a healthy situation for any child. If you are, yourself, a perfectionist, you may remember occasions in your childhood that led you to your drive to be perfect. It is an unfortunate cycle that some families find themselves in. Adults may even, unknowingly, contribute to this cycle, by asking that a child always "do their best" (doesn't that mean do it "perfectly"?), or by taking over tasks that a child finds challenging, instead of letting him or her work through it, or by having unrealistic expectations about a child's abilities or their behavior. When living up to adult standards becomes the measure of a child's success it can become difficult for a child to function. He may feel that she has to do perfect work at all times, spending hours on simple tasks -- doing them over and over until they are "just right". A child may be so worried about making mistakes that he avoids tasks that look the least bit difficult. A child may worry herself sick about homework and reports, dreading even beginning them because she knows how much effort it will take to get them done "right". A child may avoid social activities for fear of saying or doing the wrong things. A child may also become overly focused on his or her physical appearance if adult (or peer) approval is always tied to looking "perfect". Can we do anything to overcome perfectionism? Adults may want to read more about perfectionism (there are several resources listed below), to understand how it has shaped their lives and/or how it affects their children. Many people benefit from finding a professional to speak with about perfectionism and about how to make positive changes in their lives and the lives of their families. Homeschooling can provide some relief for children who are driven to do all assignments perfectly or to always out-perform their classmates. It can be a chance for parents and children to reduce external pressures and stress, and to get away from grades, deadlines, and unhealthy competition. As a homeschool parent, you can help your child find topics and projects that are fun and interesting. Help your child see that it is possible to learn for the simple joy of learning, without needing to generate a product that will be evaluated or graded. Encourage your child to explore topics just to learn more about them -- without external guidelines or the prospect of a written report. Encourage your child to try new things, but avoid monitoring the task to see that it is "done right". Focus on their effort and the fun of learning new things, rather than on the result. Talk about the benefit of mistakes and how we all make them, and how they are good -- because we learn from them. Avoid using a sarcastic or "I told you so" tone of voice when your child makes a mistake, instead sympathize with them, and let them know you love them whether they did it perfectly or not. Join your child in his or her explorations. Learn together and talk together about what you learn. Let your child know that you enjoy your time spent learning together. You might want to explore the homeschool approaches of Independent Research and Unschooling. They may provide the freedom your child needs to move away from perfectionism. Free Online Resources WHAT'S WRONG WITH PERFECT? an article by By Sylvia Rimm, Ph.D., "Excellence is attainable and provides a good sense of accomplishment. Perfection feels impossible and is impossible for the doer...." Is Perfectionism a Part of Giftedness? -- written especially for The Homeschool Diner by Thomas S. Greenspon, Ph.D Helping Gifted Students Cope with Perfectionism by Michael Pyryt Counseling needs of academically talented students with learning disabilities by Sally M. Reis and Robert Colbert Perfectionism and Asperger Syndrome: Homeschooling the Child Who Can't Make Mistakes by Lisa Piles Working with Perfectionist Students an article by Jere Brophy, includes strategies for educators The many faces of perfectionism by Etienne Benson, The need for perfection comes in different flavors, each associated with its own set of problems, says researcher Paul Hewitt, PhD Unhappy? Self-Critical? Maybe You're Just a Perfectionist an article by Benedict Carey, The New York Times Children and Perfectionism: a Parent/Teacher Handout by Virginia Smith Harvey, Nashua, NH Public Schools Mr. Rogers Talks About Making Mistakes -- look for these helpful episodes from Mr Roger's Neighborhood PBS TV series Tips for helping gifted children deal with perfectionism an article from the Davidson Institute A Review of Perfectionism an article by the Fly Lady -- perfectionism even comes into play in doing (or not doing) housework Christian Thoughts: In Pursuit of Perfection a blog by Sonya Triggs Overcoming Perfectionism by James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D -- good descriptions of how perfectionists see themselves -- helpful for those who are not perfectionists, but are trying to understand their spouse or child Recommended Reading What to Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide For Kids a book by Thomas S. Greenspon, Ph.D., a book written for children about perfectionism and what to do about it Nobody Is Perfick a book for kids by Bernard Waber Mistakes Book List for Children -- from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood Seeking Perfection by Matthew Ropp -- an interesting essay about Biblical references to perfection, as well as perfectionism in Japanese society. "Perfection belongs to God alone. God alone is divine and we are but human, with many faults..." What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety -- a book by Dawn Huebner Worry less, love more -- parenting advice from Scott Noelle Deep Thoughts: “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” -- George Bernard Shaw Certificate of Empowerment from Sandra Dodd Idealism vs Perfectionism by Scott Noelle Go With the Flow... Even If It's 'Wrong' by Scott Noelle Homeschooling families certainly aren't all alike -- are you homeschooling with a "Special Situation"? |
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